Hi again. I last left you with the disturbing thought of my father taking a gander at my itsy bitsy virgina. Now we’ll be going a bit deeper into HOSANNA’S box. I’m sorry it’s going to get more sticky so brace yourselves my friends.

Moved Out

We lived with Joy’s family for maybe a month or two more before we moved out. I can remember, being given my independence after my little stunt. Daddy now started giving me enough cash to go and come from school and maybe two dollars for spending.

Now, in addition to my snacks money, there was also a fruit, frozen water, frozen juice and my lunch placed in to my lunch box. When I started to travel on my own, daddy or Joy would just carry me to the bus route, place me in a maxi going to Arima and one of them would meet me back at that same spot to take me home.

For the first few days, maybe a week or two had passed and I was doing really well in lines of paying the drivers. Most times, particular drivers would call me to board their vehicle. I suppose they knew my father from seeing me with him and out of respect and concern they would be sure that I was well taken care of.

Upon exiting the transport they’d always say, ” okay smally make sure to go straight home and don’t talk to strangers.” I’d smile shake my head and jump down from the high step. There were other times that I had spent all my cash on snacks or paper with a fascinating drawing that just needed my coloring skills to complete it.

I have always been cute and quite a sweet child so I was never turned down when I told the driver that I didn’t have the money to pay their fare.

We moved out of Joy and her family’s home and moved into a two bedroom apartment somewhere in Arima so that we’d be closer to my school. To my discomfort things went back the way they were, where daddy or Joy would carry and bring my back home because now my school was walking distance.

I was still given my two dollars allowance per day which was great, but now I had to endure the welcoming presence of Joy. Thankfully though, most of my pick-ups were done by my sitter. Since daddy and Joy worked during the week.

By now, my brother was ready to start walking but he was always placed in his walker and I would push him around the apartment. I was quite a help to my sitter as I would keep Jerrod and myself occupied while she did her chores, like wash his and my clothes and cook for us.

On the weekends when daddy wasn’t at home Joy would stay with us and I was allowed to play with my baby brother but not with her fussing every time I pushed the walker really fast. Jerrod loved when I played with him and would cry if I was prevented from doing such.

One evening, I decided to take Jerrod out of his walker and encourage him to walk to me. Joy was in the kitchen preparing supper and wasn’t paying us much mind. I put him down at one end of the hall on his feet, ran over to the next end, turned to face his direction and called him to me.

Taking just two steps he fell on his behind, so I ran to him, placed him back on his feet again and returned to my position. Calling him to me once again, with my arms out stretched as wide as they could go I saw my baby brother walk to me this time without falling not even once.

I was so overwhelmed that I screamed with excitement and Jerrod laughed loudly two. This alerted Joy and we now had her full attention. She started fussing as usual but I told her that he walked. Not believing a word of it she told me to place him back in the walker.

Of course, I didn’t listen and proceeded to show her that he could walk. Running over to his original post, I motioned Jerrod to me. He was so excited that he took off towards me and without a stumble reached my open arms for a big hug and kiss.

I guess Joy was proud of him as she rushed over, swooped him off his feet and hugged him tightly. But the look I got, as she took my brother away from me, indicated to me her displeasure, which I suppose was because I got to see his first steps.

She Just Lost It

I am and have always been the type to learn from looking on. So, when ever our sitter delt with Jerrod, like bathe him, feeds him or clean up after him, her most attentive student was me of course. One day, when she was trying to clean Jerrod’s ears he gave her such a hard time that she just gave up.

Knowing that my brother let me do everything for him without fighting, I thought that it would be easier for me. I didn’t even notice that the cotton had started to separate from its plastic holder and upon trying to swab his ear he pulled his head away. The plastic holder stabbed him in the eye as he just screamed in sheer agony.

Our sitter rushed to us and saw what had happened. The first thing that came out her mouth was, ” you goin’ an get so much licks. ” While I watched my brother’s eye turn blood-red, I felt as though I could just disappear.

I knew daddy wasn’t going to be home before Joy and I just knew that I was in for it. My mind went blank with fear, knowing that she wasn’t my mother, she never wanted me near my baby brother and that she hated my guts I was terrified and still feel that way till today.

After the incident, I didn’t, I couldn’t move a muscle. I didn’t know what to expect and even though she did nothing about it, the ” cut ass ” daddy was going to rest on me for this would have been unforgettable.

Oh, how I regretted even going near my brother and just wished that his eye would just go away, before the wicked witch of the south came. The hour had reached and I heard the tic toc of Joy’s high heels. Instantaneously, my palms began to sweat, my bladder was filled, the tear docks in my eyes burst and I shivered like there was snow lining the sun baked concrete out in the yard.

Joy entered the apartment’s door, the sitter immediately spilled her guts and I was like a cat that found it’s way in but couldn’t find the way back out. I jumped off the seat where I sat, not taking my eyes off Joy. The last words I remember leaving the sitter’s lips were, ” she didn’t do it for spite, please don’t beat her. ”

There was that constipated smile, that only Joy was so famous for as she answered, ” nah I won’t beat her I’m leaving that up to her father. ” The sitter smiled and left. Feeling relieved that Joy was not going to administer my punishment I just climbed back up onto the chair to patiently wait for daddy.

Without looking at me she left the living room area and walked to her bedroom to change her clothes as always. In no time at all I felt a tug of my hair and I was off the chair and under sting of a wooden hanger all over my back, my head and where ever else could be accessed.

I don’t know how many times she hit me with that hanger but she didn’t stop till it broke. Joy wore long, well polished nails on both hands which was now being filled with bits of my skin every time I made an attempt to escape her hold.

My face was especially her best target. I had obtained scratches everywhere that she could reach. I screamed in horror and agony while all around ignored my every cry for help. The beating started while the was still in the sky but now it was almost dark.

When I finally got loose from the raging tigress, that had me in her sights, she found that I hadn’t had enough of her unslaut, so she reached for the broom and I was out the door running, down the hill far away from the brutality I faced.

Looking behind me to be sure that I wasn’t being followed I got lost. I was now in the streets, bare-footed, lost and scared out my mind. Soon after I had stopped running, stood on the pavement crying and rubbing my eyes, a police patrol car pulled up alongside me and asked what I was doing out here at this time of night.

I explained what had just happened to the officers, as one of them got out and placed me into the patrol car and carried me to the station. On our way there they asked if I knew my father’s full name and where he worked. Thankfully, he taught me the valuable information that would get me back into the care of my father.

The police kept me at the station until my father got there to pick me up. They explained to daddy what a heinous crime his wife had just committed, then he was asked if he wanted to press charges. Of course, he said no and that he would deal with the situation.

Daddy dearest was then advised by the officers to be mindful as to how he was about to “” handle things. ” e then picked me up in his arms like a little bride while my tiny body ached and burned as though I had just been in a car accident where the car exploded.

Upon getting home, I was carried to my room, which was more like a closet. Daddy removed my t-shirt and the instant he saw all the wails, cuts and bruises, the tears ran from his eyes while he applied mosgo to every scratch. My cries of excruciating pain came with every breath that left my lungs enraged him even more.

Finishing his application of the ointment and putting back on my top, he kissed my forehead, told me to go to sleep and bolted from my room to theirs. In the place where my bed was situated I could’ve seen everything clearly.

Before that night I’d never seen my dad get angry. But for the first time he just lost his temper and ran right up to her and began scratching her all over her face. ” You like that? How does that feel? Feeling good? ” She screamed and ran to every corner of the room trying to get away from his fury.

With everything in her, she tried to apologize but he it was as if daddy was deaf to he cries as he told her ” I bet she cried and begged just like you, but you didn’t stop. ” I watched for a while and after I tired of the sight and sound I smiled with satisfaction, turned my head and fell fast to sleep.

Learning God’s Word

I don’t remember ever going to church while being around Joy and I’m not really sure why. But I do recall a mature woman coming to the apartment, maybe once or twice a week in the evening holding a red book with gold writing and a yellow book with red writing. These books both had pictures and the stories were from the bible.

I was always excited when she came to the apartment. I enjoyed every second that she sat with me, read to me and explained what was read. She had a gentle, inviting voice which by now I knew quite well. Her dress code was always one of modesty and sometimes I thought, what if she was my mummy? I wanted her to be.

I learned about the creation of the world, the Lumineers, the angels, the garden of Eden, Adam and Eve and all the rest of great stories from the Good Book.

He Never Had Enough

Now that Joy believed she had seen my dad’s worst side she was now never home over the weekend. So how they say, ” when the cat’s away the mice will play. ” Well, it applied to this scenario. When daddy worked, there was a sitter in the apartment taking care of me.

On his off days he would be my sitter, but, on his off nights the sitter would warm his bed. One night I nose was congested, I coughed so hard my chest hurt and I felt like I was on fire from the inside out.

The pain was so much that sleep didn’t come easy, so I called on the only one I thought loved and cared for me, my daddy. That night the young lady that laid in his marital bed, wasn’t on duty so I guess she didn’t have to care if I burst into flames or drowned in my own bodily fluids.

I can’t tell how long I laid there calling while looking at them ignore all my calls. Once or twice the girl tried getting off the bed to attend to me and was stopped by daddy dearest. Apparently I had finally gotten on his last nerve because he left the comfort of his bed after telling me to go to sleep multiple times just to yell, ” shut up and go to sleep. ”

In spite of all these new developments, my daddy was still my world and to me he was perfect and I would do anything for my dad.

Our stay at the apartment in Arima was short-lived and we now moved to another apartment in San Juan. This place was a bit smaller and we were all sleeping on the same bed again. I didn’t really mind cause I was most comfortable cuddled up under daddy’s arm pits, which for some odd reason this was my ultimate comfort.

Joy slept in the corner of the bed, as Jerrod and I slept in the middle and daddy always to the end. It was so bad with Joy not wanting me to be part of her family, that when daddy played with Jerrod and her and I made an attempt to join in the festivities, Joy gave me ” the look ” that indicated to me, ” you’re not welcomed here. ”

It took me becoming a parent, to understand how disrespectful my father was to me as his firstborn and his only daughter.

Not For My Eyes

While I was asleep one night, I was awakened by an unusual sound. The sound wasn’t loud but it loud enough to disturb my strong peaceful night sleep. Though I was hearing the sound it took maybe a minute or two for my eyes to pop open.

With much reluctance, I didn’t open them till I had felt for my daddy next to me, making my eyes open right up. Jerrod wasn’t next to me and I was on the end of the bed. To the middle of the bed was one of the most disgusting sights I’ve ever had to endure as a child.

Joy wore just the two she went to sleep in, she lay on her back with her legs on my father’s forearms spread open like hands of a clock saying 3:45. He was also wearing nothing but a t-shirt pulled over to the back of his neck, and this time his hips didn’t go in circles, they moved from left to right without ceasing, while all you could hear from the two was a weird hissing sound.

Till this day I still have no idea why I became furious at the sight of them having sex, but I did and after looking on for about five minutes, I turned my back to them covered my ears and drifted back off to sleep.

The following morning I woke about 5am as I usually do when ever daddy got ready for work. I was a bit groggy upon waking up but when Joy said, ” good morning ” the mental picture of the night before came flooding my mind and I just sat on the bed pouting with both my arms crossed.

Sitting there, I was watched every movement made by the two, everything that was packed I to his bag for his consumption. Now, it came time for daddy to us all a good bye with kisses. Jerrod was the first as he was still asleep, Joy was next and I was always the last, bit when he got to me I turned my face away.

” Hmm? Looks like someone woke up on the wrong side of the bed. ” Stewpsing at the scene, daddy turned and walked out the room and not long after he could be seen passing the bedroom window.

I just burst into tears, I felt so… I don’t know exactly how I felt. All my emotions were all over the place and the only way I knew to deal with it was to cry. Daddy didn’t get very far and was back in front of me with his hand under my chin, raising my lips to his to administer his good bye kiss.

On another note, by now school was closed and Joy was constantly at home. Every time I complained to daddy that Joy had hit me in my head or back, she would tell him I was lying and trying to cause an argument between them.

One day, Joy sat me down at the dinning table, while I was given some revisions to do so I didn’t fall behind by the time school had reopened, as I got one or a few answers wrong, just as expected ” boop ” bucks to my back and out came the screams of agony from my throat.

But, what was unexpected was that daddy had gotten off work early from the double shift he had worked that day and just mere seconds before her fist connected with my back, I saw him pass by the bedroom window from where I sat at the table.

The look that consumed her face as daddy entered the room was one of sheer fright. Daddy just stood there glaring at her then said to me in a low voice, ” Crys, go into the bedroom. I left the room with that infamous look of satisfaction on my face and when I was well out of sight, I could hear the thumps being applied by daddy to her back and him constantly asking her, ” You like that? How does it feel? ”

This wasn’t the last we would experience of daddy’s abuse. Later that week or month, daddy had worked the night before and came in a little before sun rise and me being the early bird I was, I was awake but just laying in bed with my eyes closed as I hug my baby brother.

All I can remember hearing was Joy say good morning and ask daddy if he wanted some coffee or tea. I don’t hear daddy say word, I only heard blows being administered while Joy screamed and begged him to stop.

While he beat her he kept shouting, ” ah fed up ” over and over as the furniture sounded like there was a tornado passing through our apartment. The noise got louder as I blocked my ears trying hard to drown out the sounds.

The battle now spilled into the bedroom and Jerrod got a rude awakening. With both of us now scared and trembling, my brother cried as Joy’s high heel shoes came flying at her head as she tried approaching the bed to protect her child.

It was quite the surprise to me that when I saw the shoe come spiraling over my head, my only instinct was to cover my baby brother with my frail body as everyone in the village, atop what was probably the steepest hill in San Juan, could hear the commotion together with both our cries of anguish.

I guess this was finally Joy’s braking point because she packed up and hightailed it to her mom’s. Here it was just daddy and I again. Even though, I was overjoyed to be rid of Joy I really did miss my brother.

What’s Too Much?

Can anyone tell me, when does it become ” two much? ” Where should the line be drawn when it comes to abuse, assault and insult? Especially when there’s no one and no where for the victim to turn to for help?

The past governments of this country has never, thought of the well-being their nation’s youths before recent years. Every day that I am given the opportunity to see another sun rise, I am immensely greatful to God for never leaving me, even when I didn’t know or think He was there.

I know that if I didn’t have the Heart of God on my side, I never would’ve made it this far. I would be more than just depressed, or I would’ve been diagnosed with something much worse than boarder line personality disorder.

I could’ve killed someone or even committed suicide. But, in resent times I have learned that everything the enemy means for our destruction, Jesus means for our good. Writing all of this and finally finding a way to view my memories as a film, I have been experiencing a calm, and more than that ” PEACE ” that I haven’t had for most of my life.

To all my new friends, to all of you. God never leaves us even when we leave Him. He always meets our needs even though it may not be in the timing that we want it.

Patients, Perseverance and Prayers will always get you to where you need to be, but neither of these qualities are anything without the other. They all need each other to have the fullest effect and affect.

Remember, if you need to chat, ask a question, leave a comment or just say Hi, you can feel FREE to do so in the comments section below.

Keep your sights beyond the sky till next time,

HOSANNA