This chapter will shine a bright light on the fact that a child back in the day had absolutely no voice, no right and no idea how to get the truth out to the relevant authorities in search of the HELP needed in situations no child should even have to dream of. But, in spite of, I’ve gotten through the worst which has fortunately made me into the best that I can be.

W.T.F……..

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When we last chatted I ended my depiction with two of my first phobias and when they occurred in my life. Now I am about to take you into a W.T.F. dimension with all the shit that starting with my older brother. As I had sat for over two hours on the floor, looking into the screen at the most terrifying things I had ever witnessed till that point of my life.

I had acquired an over full bladder, mostly because, by the time I was ready I was scared, but just couldn’t take my eyes off that screen of horrors. Half way into Nightmere On Elm Street, I could no longer take the piercing pain in my lower abdomen and rose from the ground to my feet.

Mom inquired immediately as I answered instinctively. My big brother asked if I needed company and I sharply declined. I was afraid of the boogieman thanks to my mother and siblings. But nonetheless, I wanted a little alone time, as a scene in the movie had caused my mind to stray back to a recent time when things weren’t so confusing.

The neibour had what we Trinidadians know as a latrine, also known as an out house, so I had to make my way back to the house where I stayed with my new forced upon joke for a family. I quickly made my way to our toilet next door and when I was finished doing number one, instead of rushing back to the movie, I sat on my mom’s bed and began to sob.

With my face buried in my palms I had flash backs of that night and the things my father had done to me. I was so confused and I didn’t understand why I felt disgusted with myself. It was maybe five minutes into my cry when my brother showed up in the room as I anxiously tried to dry my tear soaked face.

He sat on the bed next to me, placed his arm over my shoulder and softly inquired on my sadness. I began by telling him about that night when my father took away my innocence. Of how my beloved father kissed me sensually on the mouth, of how he undressed me and of how he tried to place his penis into my virgina but couldn’t.

He was the first person I had opened up to about it since it occurred, the person I ever trusted in a life crisis. The right thing would have been for him to go tell a responsible adult so that I could get the help I needed, instead, that eleven year old of a brother pulled me to my feet.

He did something unexpected and freakish. My big brother just looked at me and swiftly turned me around, by this time I felt a discomfort with his action and he reassured me that he wasn’t going to hurt me. He then held my pants and panty yanking at them to pull them down as I grabbed at them in resistance.

Still trying to keep me calm, he gently said “behave I just want to see something.” Being a trusting child I allowed him to pull my articles of clothes to my ankles. What felt like a minute passed as he just stood behind me and when I was just about to look back at him he sternly beckoned me to remain facing front.

He then placed his hand behind my neck and pushed my head down, while I put my hands on the bed in front of me to brace myself from falling over on my chest. My anxiety began to raise, then I felt a sharp pain in the region of my virgina, while he asked ” like this? ”

Springing up from the position that I was forced into I pulled up my clothes with tears in my eyes and turned to face my brother. He was furious but his penis was still erected as he dragged his pants up from his ankles and stormed out of the house saying that he was going to tell mummy on me.

Knowing that I did nothing wrong I just slid down to the ground at the foot of the bed sobbing into my lap as I was curled up in the fertile position. After a few moments my mother and other siblings rushed into the room and I felt her grab at me and yelling that I should stop bringing rudeness into her house.

My Sixth B-Day

Independence day was finally, it was the morning of my sixth birthday and I woke up excited to see my daddy whom I hadn’t seen for about a week. He had promised to come get me and carry me home for my birthday. The day passed and my father didn’t come till it had gotten dark.

My big brother and sister had packed their bags to go which me which made me confused because no one told me of this arrangement. Daddy finally arrived and the excitement was so much for me to handle that when I spotted my father I just grabbed up my bag and rushed out of the house without kissing my mother.

She was so enraged that she called me back and kept me behind for a while. I cried as my mother kept asking me what I had forgotten to do. I had no idea what she was talking about until the third time she asked. Nichole had returned for me after they had realized that I wasn’t behind them.

She told mom that daddy was waiting for me, I quickly kissed mom and grabbed my nap sack as Nichole took my hand and hurriedly walked to meet up with dad and Jeremy.

It was the weekend so my brother and sister spent it with us. We had a lot of fun all of us together. We had cake and ice-cream, payed games and stayed up late watching TV as long as we wanted to.

The weekend was now over, it was time for Nichole and Jeremy to go back home. Daddy sent them ahead telling them that him and I would catch up with them. Confused at the statement, I wondered “why” I had to go back with them. My father then looked at me and told me to get undressed.

He then ordered me in a harsh tone to get on the bed while he also got naked and joined me on the bed. This time was different because he didn’t get on top of my, yet he lay on the bed next to me as he took my hand and placed it on his penis while holding my hand firmly with his.

He held my fragile body close to his giant body with his other hand, continually stroking his penis with my tiny hand. I tried to pull my hand away as he held me more firmly than before, as he stroked his penis more vigorously. My small body hurt as he used my hand to do his bidding and he squeezed my body against his.

It felt like this went on forever when he began to shake violently, he squeezed me tightly against his left side while his fingers on his right hand tightened around my left hand as the thick white liquid shot from his rock hard penis as he ejaculated all over my hand, his belly and the bed.

Like the first time he did something like that to me, when it was all over he just got up from the bed and in a disgusted tone told me to get up and dress. He left the room and went to the bathroom to wash himself. I put my clothes on with much confusion in her mind and almost began to cry but didn’t because I knew that he would tell me that he didn’t want to see those crocodile tears.

Later the evening he dropped me back to my mother and never returned to get me again. I was supposed to go back to school that September, but little did I know that I wasn’t going to be attending school for a long time. I never could have thought that I wouldn’t be seeing the only and best guardian I had ever known.

The Kidnapping

It wasn’t long after, maybe about a day or two that my mother and the man she lived with, were packing every thing they owned into boxes. I inquired what was happening and my sister told me that we were moving to another house later that day.

I started to exclaim that I had to go back home to dad, cause I had to go to school the following week. Jeremy being the douche bag he is, began to tease me letting me know that my father didn’t want or love me anymore and that he wasn’t ever coming back for me.

Nichole pushed him away and held me to her as I cried uncontrollably, burying my face into her chest as she tried very hard to calm me down. Jeremy laughed hysterically at my despair. I think he was sheer evil cause half the time he enjoyed seeing me cry and the other half his fun was making me cry.

None the less, I loved all my siblings, even the evil one. As my brother said so it was, my faith was sealed and little did I that I was about to find out what it really felt like to be part of a Lifetime movie.

I just sat quietly praying that my daddy would’ve just showed up for me, but to my disarray, he never did. Everything was packed and ready as we all sat awaiting the moving van to arrive.

The hours dragged as we waited and making me ever more miserable, Jeremy just wouldn’t stop teasing as tried to make me cry. I must admit I cried for a while but then he got to a nascence so I was able to begin ignoring him.

The BIG Moment

It was dusk now and my mother’s boo came hurriedly into the yard hustling us to bring every thing from inside the house to make it easier for him to load them on the back of the van.

I guess the Big moment was finally here and the delinquent of a father I called daddy still didn’t come for me. At first, when I saw that he wasn’t there for me, I thought that he was just running late or he was at work so I reassured myself that he would come.

That’s what kept me from braking down anytime my brother would start his foolishness. So the big belly Indian started loading all their things in the tray of the van, from the dished to the beds and mattresses, while we the children moved the smaller items into the tray.

From our clothes to our toys, we were all kept busy. The tray was now filled as it was just a pick up van. They covered and tied down all the item. All the adults left in that first trip so there were no ADULT supervision, just Nichole, who was doing her best under the circumstances.

We were locked out of the place they last called home and Jeremy was up to normal tricks. Now realizing that I wasn’t paying him any to his idiotic.

Jeremy decided to turn his back to me, flip both his eyelids inside out then turn to my direct line of vision, just as I saw this I scream in terror. I had never seen something as such and at that age I was now going to be afraid of everything from then on.

Jeremy’s laughter rang out through the darkness as we just stood there waiting for them to return for us. Nichole reassured me that mummy would come back for us. My brother thought that it would be loads of fun to put me through pain seeing that I wasn’t paying him any mind now.

He took the liberty to sink his thumb deep into the space between my collar bone and shoulder. It was the most excruciating pain I had ever felt.

This was evident so he didn’t stop and Nichole began to scream at him to stop but he didn’t, so she handed our youngest brother Tommy to Jonathan, reach where we were to administer the same to him.

He yelled in anguish while releasing me from what felt like a death grip. Nichole asked him while she held him, “how you like that?” She then sent away from me to sit alone till mother came back.

As he walked away he gave me a look, a look that told me he wasn’t done with me and that there would be worse to come. I told you he’s evil. Nichole also warned him that she was going to inform mummy of his misbehavior.

When mummy returned for us and Nichole told of Jeremy’s abuse towards me, she hit him such a hard lash behind his head that he stumbled forward and almost fell flat on his face. Mom then reminded him that he was my older brother, which meant that it was his duty to make sure that I was always safe and taken care of.

Holding on

Jeremy was always that way after that, he never changed, he just got worse with his torturous attitude. Nichole always trying to save and defended me the best she could, but as much as she wanted to protect me she couldn’t always be my savior sometimes I had to be hers.

I was still very innocent and naive to the world and all its torments that was still left to come my way. Now I know right now I’m only telling you about the bad things that happened to me cause sadly that’s all I can remember.

My life was never really filled with much glamorous moments and as devastating as that maybe I’m still here going strong in the name of Jesus and I’m not giving up this fight.

There’re things most people don’t understand, like the true meaning of life. We were not put here just to exist. We were placed here to live and love. To live our lives to the fullest for our enjoyment and comfort. To love our Creator first then ourselves and everything and everyone after this.

The trials we all face they all differ person to person, but the end expectations are that these tribulations are supposed to strengthen and prepare us for the every battle ahead.

I don’t believe in taking my own life or the life of another or even causing bodily harm to others. I believe every man to his own and that the universe repays every person for his or her deeds be it good or bad, we all must answer and be held accountable for all that we do and say.

If you have any questions, comments or you just want to say Hi, you can feel free to do so in the comments section below.

All my LOVE ????

HOSANNA